I don’t even know what to do with myself.

Too much is going on, I’m overwhelmed and depressed. I think I’ll just sleep for a couple days… Until 10 days after this Saturday, to be exact…

I’m just a holy fool.

Oh baby, you’re so cruel.

If you read my previous posts, you’d think I was in love.

But I wasn’t. It wasn’t even a romantic relationship… Or, relationships, I should say. haha, I’m a little fagboy.

"If pole-dancing’s an art, you know how many fuckin’ artists I know?"

If I don’t get what I want soon I’m going to go crazy.

This is not okay. I didn’t want this to happen.

People really ought to stop using suicide as an emotional weapon.

I take it too seriously to hang up the phone, but I know you’re not going to do it. You’ve said you were going to do it too many times. The threat of “suicide” will not make me your girlfriend. It will make me resent you. I can’t very well hang up the phone on one of the few people that stayed up with me when I was actively destroying my body, bleeding and bruising everywhere, but I can’t stop my life and happiness just because you don’t see how seriously I feel about it. I can not sit back while you do it, but I refuse to stay on the phone anymore. Next time you threaten it, whether I believe it or not, I’m 5150ing your ass. “Simple and clean.” 

Yeah, I quoted Utada. DON’T JUDGE ME.

Life… I mean, fucking life…

Don’t try to make me regret mine just because you don’t like how it didn’t go in the direction that would help you most. I’m not going to live for you. Those days ended a long fucking time ago. Live your life and I’ll live mine. You’re not my life anymore.

I really want to stop acting like I’m some cool kid,

like this isn’t bothering me, like I don’t want it. I’m not cool and coy, it is bothering me, and I most certainly do want it, so God fucking damn shit, give it to me. If you’re not going to, make it more fucking obvious because I’m about to ask you to get the fuck to steppin’. God, I’m a fucking prick… But for once in my fucking life, can things just be easy? Can it not be a game? I wish people were as flat out as I am. I hate to be the bitch that says “I just say what’s on my mind, though, mhmm,” but it’s really the only thing I know how to do. I’m terrible at being anything other than my awkward, blunt, unattractive self. I want it. All I want to know is if I’m going to get it. I can be patient as long as I know it’s going to happen, but right now I don’t and I’m gonna blow my fucking head to pieces. Lol, hella fiendin’ , though.

Faking indifference is extremely hard for me.

I just need to know more people like me, people that don’t know how to play the game. Things bother me and from what I’ve learned, I’m supposed to act like they don’t. I can’t be coy, I can’t flirt, I can’t lie. I can play strong, but only for so long, as exhausting things are not my strong suit. I need people to be as weak, naive, hurt and honest as I am because, let’s face it, I won’t change.  Exhausting things are not my strong suit.