Someone please tell me why the nicest thing someone has done for me in a while was open the fucking car door for me.

Am I that fucking hideous, or-

No, but not to sound ungrateful, it was a nice gesture… It’s just that after all of the guys I’ve… we’ll say, “been with”, I shouldn’t be taken aback by something as small as a basic act of chivalry such as opening a god damned fucking car door.

I also shouldn’t still be thinking of it.

The way I live is getting really fucking old.

I don’t remember what it’s like to have feelings for the person I’m sleeping with… This is not what sex is for, and I just wish that I wasn’t the way that I am. It’s making life unbelievably hard to live. I want so badly to be in love, despite the fact that it always ends up badly. I just want to know that the person I’m giving myself to will, for once in my fucking life, deserve it… If at least for the time being.

People really ought to stop using suicide as an emotional weapon.

I take it too seriously to hang up the phone, but I know you’re not going to do it. You’ve said you were going to do it too many times. The threat of “suicide” will not make me your girlfriend. It will make me resent you. I can’t very well hang up the phone on one of the few people that stayed up with me when I was actively destroying my body, bleeding and bruising everywhere, but I can’t stop my life and happiness just because you don’t see how seriously I feel about it. I can not sit back while you do it, but I refuse to stay on the phone anymore. Next time you threaten it, whether I believe it or not, I’m 5150ing your ass. “Simple and clean.” 

Yeah, I quoted Utada. DON’T JUDGE ME.

If I have one more fucking dream about you, I’ll just have to cut my head off or something.

This is unfuckingfair.

As soon as I smell my weight-loss tea, I know shit’s about to get real.

Really, really, fuckin’ real.

I wish I was better at expressing myself.

I feel like I have so much to say, so many things going on in my mind that somebody might find useful. I feel like I could save a life, like I could even save my own, but I get so tangled up in my thoughts, I don’t even know where I was going with this.

"As we die, both you and I, with my head in my hands, I sit and cry."

"All that counts is here and now. My universe will never be the same, I’m glad you came."

Grow the fuck up.

Don’t expect me to change if you can hardly manage to shut your fucking mouth and do the right thing for once.

Looking back at all my stupid depressed posts, I just feel so fucking stupid.

Lol, Why did I let you guys hurt me so much? You obviously don’t deserve the places in my heart that you hold held. I’m just working towards not giving a single fuck about you, and because of the person I am, I may never achieve that. I’m waiting for that moment when seeing your faces doesn’t tinge my heart with sadness, but rather, with regret, maybe even pity. I have a right to be full of myself right now and say that I feel bad for all of you for not having me in your lives. I was the only one out of all of you that would do anything for you guys. I’d probably still do more for you then the “friends” you now think you have. The replacements you’re using to fill the void I’ve left will never be as invested in your well-beings the way I was. I suppose that’s not a good trait to have… I become fully invested those I get “that feeling” for, the ones I sense good vibes from… But I digress. I hope you all have great lives and all that other bullshit people say to make themselves seem more mature than scorned, but what I honestly hope for is that you think of me one day, even just once, and realize what you’ve lost.

“I have come to know I’ll only see you interrupting my dreams at night, and that’s alright.”

Suzy Q wrote to me.

I don’t even know what to take from it, though… I don’t even think she knew what she meant by any of it. I suppose it’s nice to know that she’s thinking of me, but is it really worth it if the things she’s thinking about aren’t even true?… I don’t know. 

“I don’t know what I’m feeling.”

Is it too much to ask to finally be the girl in a relationship?…

I mean, I was born with a vagina, after all. Whether I’m with a guy or a girl, I really don’t care. I just never got to be the girl, and I would very much enjoy it, I believe.

I just want to see you. I just want you to say you don’t love me anymore, say it to my face. I need to hear it, maybe it’ll make me stop obsessing. More than anything, I just want to stop missing you.

Even more than that, I want you to tell me you miss me as much as I miss you. I want you to hang out with me and hug me. I want to yell at you, but I want you to know that I don’t mean to hurt you, that I just need to get it out. I want you to agree with what I say, even if it’s not true, even if you know I don’t mean it, and I want you to hug me like you feel bad for me. Then we can get drunk and speak emotionally about what’s happened since we were apart and why we were, then drunkenly eat ice cream and talk about nothing because we’ve never needed anything to talk about. We’ve always just been.

But if I can’t have that, I’ll settle for the pain I’ll suffer when you tell me you don’t love me. I just need something to take me out of here, this is not a good place to be.